Woody
Last night FOX plumbed new, horrifying depths... but first:

Meet My Folks: the finale was Saturday night. The best girl won (I wonder
if she actually wears flowers in her hair regularly, or if NBC made her).
The fattie got the first boot, and boy was she bitter. The 2 white girls
were both s1uts of the highest form, what is wrong with these people?! And
what's up with the dude anyway? He said 8 words over the course of several
days and 3 hours of TV. He offers nothing. No way would Chelsea ever date
that loser in real life. Oh well, she got a phat trip to Europe out of it.
That mom and that 2nd place s1ut had equally long teeth. Nasty.

Let it be said that instead of the insipid Antiques Road Show, which will be
shown to be a bunch of hooey soon enough, I watched UConn beat St. John's.
Despite my apparent love of these horrible shows, sports will always
supercede them.

Bridezilla: So stupid. All this show did was reinforce middle america's
views of NYC and the "liberal Jewish elite." Thanks for playing up
stereotypes, girls! That one chick (the 20 minutes cocktail hour girl) had
her reception at the W hotel. That place is so expensive I couldn't even
imagine. "The worst part of wedding planning is dealing with your fiance's
ignorance." Shut up, you loser. Boy, that guy is in for a happy marriage,
huh? And that princess girl with her $15,000 necklace that she just had to
have. You shut up too. Thank god I'm having a normal little wedding with
115 guests and a fiancee who is nothing like those chicks. Seriously, man.
That show was painful to watch... I noticed the same announcer voice guy
does all the One Time Fox specials now. Like, thats his job, announcing
retarded Fox shows. I'll bet his card says, "retarded Fox show announcer."

Joe $$, I hate this show so much it makes me spit blood. I hate everything
about it... I hate that the guy is a dumb as a stump and as smooth as the
Tall Girl's skin on HighSchool Reunion. (Since Hoang and I are the only ppl
to watch that show, trust me, that joke was funny). Everything he says
appears to be from a cue card. I hate his clothes, the way he walks, his
stupid greezy hair, his feigned tortured ethics. Loser. I hated MoJo, and
the way the stupid butler says, "MohJoh." I hate her teeth, her hair, her
wardrobe. I hate how she says she's 24. 24!! Is she insane? I hate that
her mental illness was displayed for the world to see, her check written to
herself for a million bucks, her ridiculous poem (It made the Bachelorette's
Ryan seem downright Whitman-esque), her puzzle of herself?
Seek...help...now... I hate Melissa and her hair and her big gums and her
attitude. I hate that one of her comments seemed scripted as well: "Sure he
drinks beer and goes to Hooters, but I'll fix him." I hate the way she
smokes on tv. I hate the way the butler says, "Mayleesah." I hate that she
didn't know what garlic looked like and we're supposed to find that quaint.
I hate that her tomato chopping method was more Freddy Krueger than Martha
Stewart. I hate how she always has her fingers in her hair. I hate the
other one, although the hummer she apparently gave Evan allowed us to be
part of the lowest Fox has ever gone. Who knows what really happened, but
it was funny. The subtitles were brilliant, clearly the work of someone
funny. "Mwah." "slurp." "Gulp." I hate her big ol fake cans. I hate Zora
for not speaking up and stating that she hates Evan and she hates the show.
I hate that she kept her tank top on while in the hottub, clearly hiding
some "rating boosters." I hate that the other 3 crashed their date. I hate
that I'll watch this crap again next week.

RR/RW challenge: Nothing of note, except idiot Puck and his, "I"m gonna
torment Ellen for no reason," stupidity. Oh, that and MTV came up with yet
another challenge involving bikinis and swimsuits. Kudos (although I think
the guys are probably better looking than the women, in general.) I liked
how g@y Dan was lounging with the women. Cuz thats what g@y guys do!

Did you know that ABC Family has a bunch of weird, failed network reality
shows? Saw 20 mins of one last night called, "last resort" with 3 married
couples on teh rocks trying to get things right. It, of course, really
$ucked.

tonight, W gives a state of the union address, which will, unfortunately, be
harder to watch than Big Brother 1, unintentionally funnier than Joe
Millionaire, and sadder than Bridezilla.

RobIt was Reality TV overload yesterday. Some comments:

I feel a certain pride that I did not watch Bridezillas on Fox at 8. Instead I went with my old standby, the Antiques Roadshow. They were in Seattle after three straight episodes in Albuquerque. Rather uneventful, but I would say the highlight was the autographed baseball from the 1951 Yankees with the added Marilyn Monroe autograph (she was married to Joe DiMaggio at the time). Value, $20,000 (possibly higher at auction). Next week, they're back with hour 2 from Seattle.

At 9 I did watch Joe Millionaire. His first date was with Sarah who got loaded on wine. They ditched the camera crew and though it was never actually revealed what happened, you had a pretty decent idea. My odds of her winning 2 1/2 - 1. Next was Melissa who he had help him cook a meal. Well, my girl Melissa was more clueless in a kitchen than I am. She and Evan have never really had any physical contact, but that might be why she's kept around. Odds 5 - 1, though she's my dark horse candidate. Next up was Zora. They went horseback riding. She's another sort of enigma to Evan, but so is the morning Doonesbury cartoon. I say she is 3 - 1. Last and certainly least was Melissa Jo (Mojo). Their date consisted of Mojo giving her a puzzle which when completed was a picture of her. Just plain weird. He finally gave her the boot, thankfully. I will be glad not to see her and her ugly hats again. Back to Arkansas for her. Next week, they jet to the French Riviera.

Real World Road Rules Challenge. We got to see Puck's child who is somehow, someway, actually pretty cute. He and the Chinese girl Ellen are battling. The mission this week was to hold your breath under water. One of the non-descript Road Rulers did nearly three minutes. The best part of this show is seeing Johnny Mosley (the host) and knowing he wants to fire his agent.

Daily Show. I came to the conclusion that Stephen Colbert can read names from a phone book and I would laugh. No great moments, but day in and day out the best show on TV.

No, I'm not done. Nightline was boring. Heather Graham was on the Jay Leno show. She is pretty hot. I stumbled on the new Jimmy Kimmel talk show and I must say it wasn't bad. He had on Snoop (who is definitely back on the chronic), The Rock who can be pretty funny, Al Michaels, and some new rap guy called 50 cents or half dollar or something. Has potential. Finally my insomniac self went to bed at 1:00.

Woody

Bachelorette: last weeks on tape, so she picked Charlie (My original pick
the first night, thank you very much), Ryan (Hoang's original pick, despite
his cro magnon-esque browline), and Russ the psycho. I don't remember much
about the show, except to say that ABC must have made her keep Russ the
psycho for ratings reasons. No way does she want anything to do with him
and his creepy, serial killer ways. And that Ryan dude with his stupid
poems makes me sick.

Super Bowl Commercials: I didn't see very many, but they didnt strike me in
any way.

"Wisconsin Death Trip" Cool premise for a movie (true eerie story from the
1890's about an area in WI where everyone went crazy and either killed
themselves or each other.) I'd be interested in the book, but the movie was
lame. Not enough historical photos or interviews, just repetitive stuff
with no resolution. Very disappointed. In fact, some random mussied haired
arty guy (with requisite book in hand) approached us at the end with the
look of a little boy lost and said, "That movie did nothing for me," and
went on his way. But, as it is for all these strange little movies we see,
we saw it for free, so it was ok.

Reason to bang your head against the wall:

Top 5 movies this weekend:

Darkness Falls
Kangaroo Jack
Chicago
Just Married
National Security

Wow. Drudge has put his fantastic journalism skills to maximum effect and has noew effectively destroyed John Edwards candidacy.

Damn that liberal media!!

Read for yourself.

Woody

Too much, too much... Quickly, in the order I remember watching stuff...

Bachelorette from last week: The fat guy is great. I'd hang out with him.
(Rob, he's just like Cunningham). He busted on the rodeo guy pretty good.
That Russ guy is disturbing, why does she keep him around? Best part was:
Trista says, "I'm here to find a guy who I connect with on all levels, that
I really get along with," Rodeo Retard says, "That's your choice." Um yeah,
you moron, it is... isn't that the point. Now give Cheryl Tiegs her hair
back.

The Pianist: Tough, tough movie. Very, Very good movie. WWII, Poland
Jewish ghettos, Horrible Nazis. After watching it, you'll think humans are
just the worst (we are). Its based on a real guy's life, and its truly
amazing. Roman Polanski directed, and it deserves to be on all those Best
Of lists. When buying tickets, do as I did and say, "2 for the Pen1s." That
will be the last time you laugh for the next 2 hours though. 5 stars of 5.

About a Boy: DVD. Pretty good. As much as I hate Hugh Grant and his stupid
stuttering/stammering buffoonery, he was pretty good in this movie. That
poor kid was good too. 3.5 stars.

Golden Globes: stupid crap. Those people were crying over what?

Adaptation: I loved 75% of this movie. It was fun trying to figure it out,
and Chris Cooper was great. It makes you think about your place in the
world and all that, Nic Cage was good too. Then it got stupid at the end,
I'm not sure why, but it did. I think I think I know why it got stupid (The
fictiional Donal Kaufman "wrote" the final denoument, as it became a
chase/thriller type weird thing) but I'm not sure. Takeaway message: people
who are focused on loving ONe thing are happier than those of us who try to
become well versed in too much. Oh well. 4 stars, I think.

High School Reunion: Boring. They try to put them in bikinis and get them
drunk, but its pretty stupid. The "popular girl' wears bad clothes and
needs her eyebrows waxed or something. The "shy girl' who was in playboy is
pretty, but needs some thigh work. The "player" is a pathetic loser with
man-b00bs. This show gives us nothing, really.

Signs: DVD. I didn't like it. I though M. Night was more creative than
this. They really ARE aliens? They die with water? C'mon. 2.5 Stars.

The Hours: I went to this movie with low expectations. Poor Hoang had to
watch the Pathetic Eagles loss with me, and a pathetic Uconn loss on
saturday as well (I watched monday's pathetic uconn loss alone) so we went.
Wow. Great movie. Great acting. Great writing. Tough and sad, but great.
At the end, 50 other people sat in their seats and just thought for a few
minutes. it is rare that movies do this, as they usually suck. 3 lives are
followed for a day (Virginia Woolf, a 50's housewife, and a 2001
Manhattanite) but they are all intertwined and its good. Trust me. It will
profoundly affect your life for a few minutes at least. Are you happy? Why
not? Are you "living?" Why not? Well done. 5 stars out of 5 and may be
my oscar winner.

Joe Millionaire: Finally, a wasted hour that wasnt so horrible. The
redhead was pretty funny (What would you do with a bad self portrait?) and
his stupidity really showed. Mojo is whitetrash and ugly. Zora is alright,
but why did he keep her? She told him it was the worst date of her life.
Whatever, after the Uconnn last second loss, it was good to watch.

Stupid Eagles.

How does our President honor Martin Luther King Day? By honoring the man who is synonymous with defending the practice of slavery everywhere, and a traitor responsible for untold thousands of American deaths, Jefferson Davis.

New York -- George W. Bush has quietly reinstated a tradition, that his father halted in 1990, of paying homage to the greatest hero of the Confederacy -- Jefferson Davis, TIME's Karen Tumulty and Michael Weisskopf report.

Happy Martin Luther King day everyone, or as they say in the bush White House "The day they honor that there colored fella who done stirred up so much trouble".

Woody's reality take 01/14/03

Ohhh, where do I begin? First up last night (the TV reviewing business gets exhausting) was the first hour of the AMA's. While watching I told myself, "I should take notes" but, of course, thats a bit ridiculous since I'm not getting paid and these emails just get deleted tonight anyway.

Elton John opened up with some country dude. Elton John has a billion dollars and he STILL has a horrible haircut. The Osbournes hosted which was retarded b/c a) you can't understand Ozzy, b) Jack is vocal about his disdain for all the bands on his stupid show and there he was, heaping praise on the likes of B2K and Toby Keith, c) Kelly is the Miss Media Wh0re 2003, but she looks like a pile of mashed potatoes with bad makeup, and the mom curses so much that 1/2 of their banter was bleeped out. It was retarded. I hate awards shows, but they are usually good for someone to make themselves look stupid, but in my channel surfing, I didnt see too much. Too countrified. My favorite winner, of course, was Avalon in the "Inspirational Band" category. Y'know, AVALON, man! (Side Note: Hoang was friends with some kid who's in Jars of Clay now. Thats funny to me). Chistina made the good marketing move of wearing tasteful clothes and showcasing her voice. Now old people will buy her junk, but young men like me were flipping channels. I don't remember anything else, except Creed won 2 awards... and they werent for "Suckiest Band Ever" somehow. Although POD would tie them... Now that I remember, POD was nominated with Jars of Clay and Avalon in the aforementioned Inspirational category. Awesome.

9PM rolled around and it was time for the worst new show out there, hands down, Joe Millionaire. Unwatchable. Ed's and Rob's notes below pretty much say it all, but I have to reitterate: This show is totally lame. The intro mentioned something about, "We'll bring 20 beautiful women to the chateau," at which point I said to Hoang, "Wow, that sounds cool. What show is that?" Those women are trolls. that Mo-Jo white trash Jani Lane hair having loser is simply atrocious. Brandi had some appeal, and 1 or 2 others, but whatever. After last night, I am more convinced that the "joke" will be on us, the viewer. The grainy b&w shot of Joe with the butler late at night talking about how badly he feels was so contrived, the lines were rehearsed, it was very telling. All his snippets seem written for him. But the point is, so what if he really is worth millions, he's a dull, dumb, lunkhead. "I need to see if these women can shovel coal because I get stinky at my jobsite." Huh? Retard. But Fox is still genius b/c they marketed it so well... Imagine if Surreal Life was on Fox? Christ, it would out-Nielson the super bowl. Heidi talked out the side of her mouth like James Cagney. "Yeahhh, seeeee, I've gotta boyyyfriend, seeeee."

10PM came and it was on to MTV for the RW/RR challenge. Just like last week, it was refreshing to see some hot women (in bikini's no less) and I'm sure the ladies were happy to see Eric Neis and his pectoral veiny things. What is wrong with Laterian (besides his unfortunate astrological sounding name)? He's way too intense for something so stupid. Puck was quiet this show. Beth from LA was too. Ruthie looks like a Fraggle Rock puppet. Lori is still hot to me, even though she's an embarrassment to women everywhere. Ellen is also very cute, but I guess she is an idiot too, but I never watched her RR show. That kid from HI RW is still the "nice" Caring guy. Loser. I heard a rumor Gisela wins, whoever that is. Ok, enough.

Rob's take

I am going to have to second this sentiment. Besides being 100% fake it's pretty boring as well. The entire Heidi has a boyfriend "controversy" never went anywhere. Where was the cat fight, preferably while wearing lingerie of some sort? I was surprised he didn't pick Dana. I like Melissa, not Melissa Jo, the girl whose hair was all Princess Leia during the rain storm. She strikes me as actually, possibly, being nice.

Real World Road Rules Challenge, however, still holds a certain fascination for me. These people are all the lamest, most desperately needy people I've ever seen. Letarrian "this experience has been the most amazing of my life. I love all of you like brothers" was voted off along with annoying Beth from the LA show. Why does she come back? No one likes her.

Antiques Roadshow is reality TV at its best. The intensity the appraisers have for their job is truly admirable. To watch Leslie Keno prattle on about the feet on some 250 year old chair is worth the $20 I give to PBS each year. You know Leslie (a guy) was beaten up as a kid. I don't think his brother Leigh was much help. Great show, one I actually go out of my way to watch. The most watched PBS show by far. http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/roadshow/

Joe Millionare.... again

I must say Joe Millionare has hit the wall for me. After seeing how great reality TV can be with Surreal Life, this just doenst measure up.

My main poblem is the show is 100% fake. The premise is they are taking some poor schlub who only makes 19k a year and giving him an eliza doolittle makeover, and hoping to try and find his princess. But he has to make sure that she loves him for him!

None of this is real. The guy may make 19k in his day to day job, but hes a partime/aspiring actor/model. He's not looking for a princess because he said himself he's not ready to settle down, and he can go into any bar anytime he wants and have his pick. He's an actor and he knows the part they want him to play, complete with a butler with a heart of gold. The women on the show are doing the same. They know the reality show "drill". Play up to the camera's for screen time (Even Heidi admitted last night she already has a boyfriend). And even if you do win, it doesn't mean anything, cuz look at the bachelor (noones engaged). So you really could care less what happens. Its just watching a bunch of wannabe actors in some weird Kabuki theatre.

That being said, Allison is the hottest, and Dayana is the ugliest.

Now that the Republicans are in charge of everything, here is how our money is being spent. Questions from an employee survey at teh EPA (from Maxspeak)

I am a very flirtatious person.
A higher power is looking out for me.
When I'm attracted to someone, I am overwhelmed by desire.
I regularly attend religious services.
I can think of several personality traits that turn me on sexually.
I've often imagined being sexual with a friend, colleague or acquaintance.


Somewhere John Ashcroft is pouring over every answer with a gin and tonic and a box of tissues.

The Surreal Life

Corey Feldman is a gift from god. Every utterance out of his mouth is obnoxious, narcissistic, clueless, self important, and downright delusional. The perfect reality show contestant. From the moment he appeared he was an ahole:

"I...am an icon"

The way he looked down on Jerri because she wasn't a real celebrity, or as he put it, "Not a part of our world". His unbelievably snotty and condescending attitude towards anyone who thinks differently than he does. His horrifyingly codependent relationship with his "girlfriend". at the end of day one he is on the phone near tears saying "God I miss you so much". Its been ONE day. If you cannot handle being apart from your girlfriend for a week, not to mention 24 hours, you have serious problems. If you want to get married on TV for no other reason than it being cool, and because you're deluded into thinking that "the whole world will be watching", you have problems. His endless prattling about his vegetarianism was unbearable. Yes Corey, after you mentioned it for the 1,000 time we got the message, you are a vegetarian for "moral" reasons, and better than all of us. I especially like the way you told Gabrielle that anyone who is a vegetarian for health reasons, you 're response was that they were doing it for the wrong reasons. Corey, as he so proudly declares, is a vegetarian for "moral reasons". Because animals have souls. And when mentioned you're leather shoes, you're response was "what does leather have to do with vegetarianism." I want to embroider that one on a pillow.

Dude, you had me at "I am an icon"....

And then the frantically overblown display when the woman came covered in sushi. Oh no, im waaaay to moral to condone that, says the divorced, alcoholic, sex addicted, cocaine abusing, leather wearing vegetarian, fake boobed dating swinger, c list celebrity who wants to get married on a reality show.

5 minutes later we sit in rapt attention as he describes how he would have "a girl for breakfast, a girl for lunch, a girl for dinner..."

The sushi girl is just sitting there thinking. "for gds sake relax and eat the da*m sushi". and they couldn’t just decide that they weren't comfortable. Hammer and Corey felt the need to come outside and make a huge announcement to everyone about their moral objections. Watching the sushi girl strain her neck to the side to try and watch this display while still trying to keep the sushi from falling off her naked cans was funny.

Emmanuelle Lewis's ( or as Hammer calls him, "manny") laugh is freaking me out. He's like a freaky chucky doll.

Vince Neill apparently ate the rest of Motley Crue. Best moment for him was when the producers set up the little "fortune cookie question" moment to try and force him to talk about his daughters death from leukemia, was something. Nothing like having the producers use the tragic death of a four year old girl as reality show fodder.

Best statement by Neil. Looking all sad and saying "Fathers are supposed to protect their daughters and when you can't protect them there is nothing worse".

At this point I would like to mention Vince Neil has committed vehicular manslaughter while driving drunk. Having a daughter die from an illness is bad, but don’t wax philosophic about loss when you are personally and specifically responsible for someone else’s death, you fat, bloated, talentless alcoholic, amateur p0rn starring loser.

Hammer's praise god above all else stuff got old fast. And his little ‘voicemail message” at the beginning was cute. “Yo this is hammer, im goin to be incognito for ten days. No cell phones, no pagers no nothing, so leave me a message”. I imagine at the other end of the line you would hear “At the tome the time will be 10:34”

the playboy bunny is boring. she better start putting on bikinis soon.

Gabrielle Carteris. Totally out of place since she is sane and grounded with a husband and 2 children. Watching her and the ridiculously selfish and high maintenance Corey Feldman shop for food was great study in contrasts. "I can't eat any of this food".

Or Brandi's question "there’s tax on food? Is this new?"

Vince "drunk driver" Neil lovingly lounging around the liquor isle.

the bizarre lets met the neighbors and bring them brownies interlude. You could tell that they were all waiting to see the reactions when they see famous people ring their door! of course the people who answered the door couldn't have cared less that some freaky B list celebrities were bothering them.

Of all the shows debuting this week, this was clearly the best. And the previews of a distraught tear filled Corey just shows we have nowhere to go but up.

Woody's About Schmidt review....

Dear Ndugo,

It is with a heavy heart I write this letter to you. It seems my friend, Bob Chamerda, didn't like our little interplay in my movie, "About Schmidt." I mean, the movie is on about 80% of the year end "Best Of" lists and he gives it 2.5 candy bars?! He felt that your endearing letter and painting that you sent me was "tugging at the heartstings?" I assure you, Ndugo, he's a good guy, he just doesn't understand our relationship. I love you, and I hung your painting up on my fridge.
While I certainly don't think the movie being a critic favorite makes it necessarily any good, I felt it was a very good movie. Sure, some of the humor was geared towards the retiree crowd and was pretty feeble, but I thought the dialogue throughout was excellent. Remember a couple weeks ago I mentioned the subtle dialogue in the scene in "Monsoon Wedding," (Another movie on everyone's "Best Of" lists, that Chamerda would pan, I'm sure) where the father learns of his niece's molestation? "About Schmidt" had lots of those scenes, and the character actors were perfect throughout. 4 in particular stand out in my mind, and all 4 were precipitously close to being over the top, but they weren't. The Young buck who took over my job upon retirement with his cloying fakeness, the best man at the wedding with his unfunny, overlong toast, the RV park denizen with his midwestern white trash colloquialisms, and even Johnny Fever himself, Howard Hesseman was good as Kathy Bate's ex. Special mention goes to Kathy Bate's bosoms, each playing their own role and doing their own thing, independent of her gut. Let me tell you, Ndugo, sitting in the 3rd row staring up at a naked, 80 foot tall Kathy Bates will make you realize that your life of hunger and poverty isn't so bad afterall.
Anyway, I give the movie 3 "Kathy Bates fatrolls" out of 4. I, (Warren Schmidt, remember) acted very well, and the writing was top notch.

I realize you don't have TV in Tanzania, but I have to tell you that this week is very exciting for us Americans. Several reality shows debut this week, none more important than Joe Millionaire, tonight at 9 on FOX. I'd like thank FOX for waiting until Monday Night Football ended to debut his piece of TV history. Last night, I enjoyed "High School Reunion" on the WB. If you ever come to America, you'd enjoy the WB. You'd also like UPN, but I don't watch that channel to know enough about it. HS Reunion was very good, the chicks aren't hot enough to make it excellent, but the concept is a good one. I enjoy how the bully from hs, 10 yrs ago, is still a complete jerk, and the nerd is now rich and all that. I will keep you updated, Ndugo, on this week's happenings, as there are so many to report upon.

Yours,

Warren Schmidt

Even more Rob's movie reviews....

I saw the movie About Schmidt which was not unsurprisingly about Schmidt. In this case Warren Schmidt (Jack Nicholson). As the movie opens we see Warren retiring as Assistant Vice President and Actuary from Woodmen of The World Insurance Company. Most people, if they thought about it at all, must have assumed this company is fictitious. It is not. Woodmen is a fairly large fraternal insurance company located in Omaha. For more information see go here Probably the highlight of their web site is the information about the falcons that live on the Woodmen Tower. Anyway, back to the movie. Shortly after retirement Warren decided to sponsor a child after watching a commercial on TV. He is assigned Ndugu Umbo, a six-year old boy from Tanzania. He is encouraged to write Ndugu letter, and throughout the movie he does so, which helps the movie watcher know how Warren is feeling. A type of narrative.

Soon after writing his first letter, his wife Helen dies. Though Warren told Ndugu that he wanted to know how this old, annoying woman women came to live in his house, he is truly sad and lost upon her death. His daughter comes home from Denver with her fiancé with the bad haircut who sells water beds. His relationship with his daughter is strained at best and the interaction between father and daughter is good. The movie then hits kind of a rough patch as Warren takes the RV he and his wife bought (he didn't really want it) and he goes to his old childhood home, his old college and tourism spots in Nebraska. Did the Nebraska tourism board pay for this? I kept thinking this is the same actor that went on the back of a motorcycle across America in Easy Rider, now he's doing it in a Winnebago. I guess that's a metaphor for aging.

Warren goes to his daughter's wedding in Denver and we meet the water bed selling fiancé's eccentric family. Warren tries to get his daughter to call off the wedding, but that does not happen. He is magnanimous during the toast and does not tell everyone at the reception how he feels and returns back to Omaha to live out his days alone. The ending scene was a little too "pull at your heartstrings," I thought, but some may find it moving.

All and all, I thought this was a good movie. But not a great one. Jack Nicholson sometimes can enter what I like to call the Al Pacino school of acting, which is acting way over the top. And though he comes close to that point a few times, I think he does to a decent job in this role. The supporting cast is also fine, but the movie never completely clicked with me. I should warn anyone that sees this movie that Kathy Bates gets naked and they show it. That will be the indelible mark left by this movie. I give it 2 1/2 candy bars out of 4.

More Robs Movie Reviews

I saw two movies this weekend: The Bank on Friday night and Gangs of New York yesterday. Here are my reviews.

The Bank takes place in Australia where we witness a soulless bank executive given the task to increase profits by the board of directors. He has already fired thousands of workers and closed branches throughout the country. How can he increase profits further? How about predict the stock market. Well there is a genius PhD. in math who proposes just that. Though it sounds contrived, the idea seems believable. At the same time, there is another story about this couple and young son who are being foreclosed on by the very same bank. Of course, the two stories converge. I don't want to give to much away, but the ending is quite a surprise and good. Not 6th Sense surprise, but still good. The acting throughout, especially Anthony La Paglia as the banker, is solid. A good movie worth seeing. It is presently only at Real Art Ways in Hartford. I give it three out of four popcorn buckets.



Gangs of New York is kind of the opposite of The Bank. The Bank is a small, relatively inexpensive movie. Gangs of New York is anything but. A sweeping big budget epic with an all-star cast. Often those components are a recipe for disaster, but not in this case. The movie revolves around Bill Cutty a "native" American and Leonardo DiCaprio as an Irish immigrant. The movie opens with a large bloody melee among the natives (English and Protestant) and the Irish (Catholics). We see the leader of The Irish killed by Cutty in front of his son. Sixteen years later, in 1862, we see Leo released from an orphanage. The rest of the movie we see the squalor and violence in New York and the ultimate confrontation as Leo tries to avenge his father. The ultimate battle takes place among the draft riots in New York City. This little known part of Civil War history saw the bloodiest riots in US history with probably hundreds left dead. The official number was much lower for obvious reasons. For a brief history of the riots, see this link. http://members.tripod.com/~Chesnutmorgan/draft.html The movie was visually stunning and Scorcese's vision of 1860's New York was amazing. The acting was quite good. Leo may see the Oscar nomination he never received for Titanic, but it was Daniel Day Lewis who really steals the movie. Cameron Diaz was pretty (no more Being John Malkovich looks please), but her Irish accent seemed to come and go like the wind. An action packed, entertaining movie definitely worth seeing. 4 out of 4 popcorn buckets. The weekend box office numbers show not many people feel this way. It made less than $10 million dollars. I think Leonardo gets that for signing Leonardo. DiCaprio is another $10 mil.

As an aside, we sat behind a couple who brought their 7 or 8 year-old daughter to this movie. I saw other equally as young children in this movie. What are these parents thinking? The movie was violent, there was a fair amount of female nudity (always an added bonus) and the f and n words thrown around like they were going out of style. The responsibility of parents today is seriously lacking.

Rob's movie reviews

I saw this movie last night at Cinema City. Let me first say that Far From Heaven was very far from Hartford, where it supposedly takes place. It looked nothing like our fair capital city. It was actually filmed in New Jersey. It focuses on a family, the Whitakers. Cathy (Julianne Moore) and Frank (Dennis Quaid) seem to have the ideal 1950s life. He is a successful executive at some TV manufacturer and she is the dutiful wife that sits at home with her other rich friends while the maid gets them their drinks, and they have the obligatory not so bratty son and daughter. Of course, everything is not as it seems. Frank is in the closet and Cathy finds him making out with another guy at his office. In typical 1950s fashion she accepts this, though Frank goes to the doctor to cure himself of this "malady." As the old saying goes you can take the man out of the bathhouse but not the bathhouse out of the man and Frank finds true love with another man who seduces him in Miami and moves out. During all this, Cathy become friends with Raymond, the gardener who is black. Rumors swirl around town that something is going on between them and she is forced to fire him to save face in the community. Shows that liberal Connecticut isn't quite so liberal.

The acting is solid throughout. Julianne Moore is good as the 1950s housewife and I've always thought Dennis Quaid was a pretty good actor (good to see him getting decent roles). The conflict and attraction between Cathy and Raymond is very good and at the end you can really see the hurt both of them feels that society will never allow them to be together. Frank's struggle to remain straight is also good, but you know (and you know he knows) it is doomed to failure. All and all, a pretty good movie. It moves along fairly slowly and I don't think it was the best picture of the year, but I give it 3 out of 4 walking ticket stubs. Maybe they're going out to the lobby to buy themselves a snack.

Impresisons from my friend Woody....

My initial impressions... The Bachelorette, first of all they should have gotten a hot chick to host the show instead of Chris Harrison (betchya didn't know HIS name, huh?) He ain't no fay, but: "Trista, how does it feel to have these 25 hot guys after you?" doesn't sound too good to me. I didn't think the wacky fat guy was that fat, but I thought Artie Lange this morning busting on him was a bit idiotic. [Aside: Stern is so sick of his lack of any pop culture knowledge... when Artie didnt know a thing about Trista --who was a good, revealing guest-- Stern said, "Its not like you follow whats going on in Iraq. What DO you know about?!"]

Funny, I goofed on the messy hair guy and the Frankenstein looking guy, but Hoang enjoyed both of them. I guess Ed and I don't know anything about hot dudes. I liked Charlie for the record. I noticed Trista misuse a few biggish words about 3 times. Also, does it annoy anyone else that they always pick a minority? She didnt say a word to Jack on camera yet she kept him. They could have gotten a better looking asian dude too.

What does an "Importer" do?

That dude who gave the bracelet is stalkerish.

Trista wore some hot shoes.

That Sweden basketball player's teeth were freakishly white.

I don't see this show being any good (abc didnt even hype it) cuase the guys will gang up against her rather than each other. And no one will cry, or be too psycho on camera, which is what made Bach.2 good.

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Celeb Mole. I am still trying to figure out the premise of this show, but I must disagree with Ed: Kathy Griffin made me laugh twice last night, no small feat. The joke about how she was the girl going down on Baldwin was good, as was her post Kim coles kick off comment abuot how she didn't like her. She's plug ugly (Gangs of NY reference), and annoying, but she's funnier than Rosie and that dike I forget her name.

Baldwin is more of an idiot than Ed said. The scene where he holds up the notebook with his scrawl about the game, it said, "There IS no rules," instead of "are." The man is a buffoon.
(editors note. I missed that. I DID notice that he wrote big words and ran out of space so by the time he got to "RUles!!!" it was in tiny type.)

The hottest chick is definitely that boy, Erik, whoever he is. I think I've seen him in some rollerblading movie on the Disney Channel though. His dad wants him to get a real job, but he just wants to Blade, man.

Ahmad Rashad? C list celebs are hosted by a D list celeb. Awesome.

Corbs acted like his arteries were severed when he got a little scratch. But I liked him calling Frederique and Erik, "Hansel and Gretel."

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Surreal Life tonight at 9. Can't wait... and then the long weekend wait until monday begins. (Of course, I will reassert my manhood and watch football all weekend).

What a night. Bachelorette and Celebrity Mole.

Bachelorette wasn't nearly as good as the Bachelor. I guess there is something about watching 20 hot women humiliate themselves that interests me.

The bachelorette is of course an absolutly smoking hot former Basketball cheerleader.

My initial impressions of some of the contestents.
Bob. The "fat but wacky and with a heart of gold" contestent. Look at me dance and do schtick! I may be fat, but I'm craaazy! His bio on the website contains his funniest joke of all:
Height: 6'3 1/2
Weight: 235
Yeah right….

Brian, who provided me with the nights best entertainment when they kept flashing his job description of "Bre@st implant sales" under his name. Alas, he did not make the cut.

The "Oh I'm so hip cuz my hairs all messed up" Brad Pitt wannabe Rob (one B). I just wanted to comb his hair and slap the grin off his face. From his Bio:
Why would you make a great husband for Trista: Because I had a great father and am heir to a legendary Mississippi shrimp company.
That’s a keeper.
The freakishly ugly Ryan. The man looks like Lurch with a bad wig.

All in ll an OK start, but Its no bachelorette. And its definitly no…
Celebrity Mole!!!
Oh baby this was good. Lets go through the contestants:
Kathy Griffin. Clearly the most annoyingly unfunny "comedienne" on the planet. Her schtick is that shes the "obnoxious comic", except without the baggage of actually being funny. Also her face looks like a saddlebag. Nothing more sad than a wrinkly middle aged woman with dyed hair and bangs. She is this game's Puck.
Stephen Baldwin. Coasting on the celebrity of his last name while owning a string of one failed restarant after another, and hoping against hope he'll get the call for "Flinstones go to Europe". Clearly the most entertaining of the group. A complete and utter dimwit. He has the most vapid sh*t eating grin I've ever seen. His little moment when he said to "Corbs" "this is the most important thing I wrote down all day" referring to his diary, and then showing the statement "There are no rules!" Oooooooooh. Stephen ain't here to mess around people!! Some people may think its comical to watch him dangle over a waterfall filling buckets with a "celebrity cam" on his head, but not him. He means business. Which reminds me of the next one:
Frederique. Good god has she hit the wall hard. Horsetoothed and old. Very sad. However I laughed out loud at her dangling in the waterfall screaming over and over "Give me some lead voom!"
Erik Von Detten. There was an uncomfortable moment in the beginnging of the show when they showed him real quick and I thought he was a hot chick. Other than that, he's pretty forgettable. I don't even know who he is.
Corbin Bernsen, AKA Corbs. Of all the fake and phony "who I think is the mole" interviews peppered throughout the show, his was the most phony. None of them give a rats a$$ who it is, they just want a paid vacation in Hawaii and exposure.
Michael Boatman. I have no idea who he is. And hes boring.
Kim Coles. Boring and stupid. Glad she's gone. Also her favorite hobby according to the Celebrity Mole website, is Tivo.I wasn't aware that that could qualify as a hobby.
Ultimatly I don't care about the game, or who the mole is, or if they can manage this week to do the celebrity mole ring toss game or watever. I just want to see desperate C list stars humiliate themselves and argue.

monday nights Donahue on "media bias"

DONAHUE: Governor, You wanted to say what? Governor?
CUOMO: You’re asking why we don’t have a Rush Limbaugh.
DONAHUE: Right. Right.
CUOMO: I don’t think we want a Rush Limbaugh.
[snip]
Let’s see if we can’t adjust our perspective here. You have Rush Limbaugh. Rush Limbaugh tells one side of the story. He exaggerates it. He hyperbolizes. He is a master entertainer. There’s no question about that. He’s very bright. He’s probably a very good fellow, too.
He does not discuss the issues. He does not debate the issues. He doesn’t want to give you a full view of the issues. He won’t even entertain a debate. He doesn’t want any kind of a debate. And he pleases a lot of people, because he says what they want to hear. So does Bob Grant here in New York. So does the Murdoch papers, “The New York Post.”
We don’t have counterparts on the liberal side.
DONAHUE: Why is that, Governor?
CUOMO: Well, because we believe in subtlety. We believe in telling the whole truth. We don’t want to exaggerate.
You see, look, they write their message with crayons. We use fine-point quills. We get a little bit more, I think-intellectual is not the right word.

I also saw the real world/Road Rules chalenge. My impressions. Puck is mentally disturbed. Seriously. And hes a wuss. Within seconds of finding out he was getting kicked off the show, he starts crying like a baby who lost his wooby.

At first I was intrigued. "Puck" apparently got into an argument and spit in another contestants face. THis contestent obviously contacted the producers and requested the man be summarily ejected from the show. I mean, its assualt, it raises certain legal questions, etc..

But were not in th real world. We are in a reality show. So the "cast members" exhibet their natural intelligence and come up with a solution. If he gets to spit IN pucks outh we can forget the whole thing. People are wierd.
THe rest of the show was an absoute and utter bore. Who wants to watch a reality show that consists of people playing simon says while doing calisthenics? Where are the duck fetuses and coagulated blood balls they are supposed to eat? I mean c'mon!

And now a response from my friend Woody.

I always thought these letters were fake until I had this experience I just have to tell you and your readers about. My name is Evan Wallace Marriott and I'm just a regular Joe. In fact, I'm so much of a Regular Joe that FOX cast me in the role of Average Joe. I told them I make only 19K/yr, but who believes that?! Christ, I'm a construction worker, we have some of the strongest unions in the world! Anyway, I have a pretty good story to tell...
I'm a stupid blockheaded greaser with a bad job, but I still get chicks pretty often. But imagine my delight when I was told by this fake butler guy (He had a english accent, so he seemed real, just like cartoons!) that 20 chicks would be fighting over me! I had this dream before, but now it was gonna be "reality!" After several minutes of snippets of my mental retardation (I know salmon's a fish, but...) and stereotypical female pettiness ("I need a man with ambition!" Now, these women were told I got my 50 million from inheritance, so I'm not sure where she got the idea I was the least bit "ambitious") I finally got to meet the chicks!
Wow. I don't think I've ever nailed any chicks as ugly as those 20. I mean, I guess they weren't that bad, but c'mon, I'm Evan... Evan... um... Evan... um... Evan [Editor Note: There was a scene were this maroon was asked his middle name and it took him that long to come up with something] and this is TV and I thought I'd get some hotties like The Bachelor got or the Temptation Island folks or Tanya from BB3, that's what I'm talkin' bout! I pretended to find them attractive, and maybe I did dig on a couple, but man, whatta bummer. There was even this african american chick who was wearin' a way-too-small top that squeezed her gut out over her jeans. But I still picked her to be in my final 12... When is a guy like me ever gonna get flavor again?
So anyway, we had some stupid ball thing with the women in bad gowns (Note to producers, the object is to make these women look good, so why would you have them fight over bad dresses?) and I danced and got grilled about my wealth. I thought I blew it because I'm so stupid and dense and have no ability to think on my feet. I made the show painful, I have no charm, and surely these women must know this. [Ed Note: why did you cast such an idiot?]
I dumped 8 of them, none of which I can remember what they even look like (except that weirdo asian chick with orange hair and wore sunglasses at night indoors) and I haven't banged anyone yet. But I'll be sure to let you know if/when I do.

Evan

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In MTV news... The Puckster is back! I watched the 1st Road Rules and the first 4 or 5 Real Worlds (I still find myself saying, "Jewel-lee" whenever I hear the name "Julie" and mimicking Heather B's, "Can you pick up the phone!") so I didn't know what was going on during that mess last night called the RR/RW Battle of the sexes challenge. 36 wannabe buffoons get together in Jamaica to battle it out. Puck gets an old school white trash mullet. Why this idiot gets airtime, friendship, and most incredibly, the support of the other cast members after he spit in anorexic David's face is beyond me. Anorexic David, of course, is history's first reality show casualty from RW LA. I renewed my hatred of Beth for RW LA, who still strikes me as my most hated reality contestant ever, although Ian from AR3 is up there and Christie from Bach2 and of course Ruthie from RW Hawaii as well. Anyway, at least there are some hot chicks on this show and that guy Mark from RR1 is there for comic relief. So David had the opportunity to hock a loogie in Puck's mouth but declined, he said he wouldnt give Puck the satisfaction, and then he quit. Made no sense, but it was good tv! And the women booted that mormon girl with the impossibly straight hair. Whatever.

MTV New Years and Carson Daly once again showed me that he is the most vapid dingdong on tv. But Dave Grohl was funny...

Looking forward to new Daily Shows...

until next time...

Joe Milionare

The first truly fake non reality show. there was absolutly nothing real about it. Everything was so scripted. Get a kindly old father figure butler character who while teaching the handsome pauper prince the polite etiquette in high society. Get a french Chateau, introduce the ladies by having our prince come in on horseback, bah blah blah..
And what makes people think that just because you make 19k a year, you are still too stupid to realize that you drink white wine with fish? Is he really that stupid? Now if you wanted to quiz him on the difference between a Burgundy and a Bordeaux, I'm with ya..

And all the little testimonials are just answers to predesigned questions. The theme is that he's not really rich, so we are always hearing the women talk about how much they want a rich man, simply because the producers keep asking them money quesitons. I know all reality shows are like this, but this was a little too ham handed.

Watching the girls act like giddy school girls was funny "I am seriously feeling like a princess y'all".

Best line:
"I don't know about you guys but I am totally making out with him tonight"
"O that’s right, you're one of those girls.."

And I love the way they try and make it so he is not the bad guy, even though he is. The entire premise of the show is to lie to these women, yet they try and make him into some poor lonely prince, who feels really bad about it, but still hopes he can find someone who loves him for him. Well, he is willing to lie to women in order to make them care about him, so what kind of a person is he in the first place? Even next weeks episode is angled to make him look good.Make the women think theyre going oin a picnic and make em shovel manure. Maybe one of them will not have a tantrum and show that she really appreciates good old fashioned values like hard work! And if she does shes good enough for Joe, who is lying to her.

I also heard he makes more than 19k a year. He models on the side and is doing pretty good.

Also the crop of women was pretty thin. A lot of borderline spinsters and flat out uglies. He thankfully cut out a lot of the dead wieght last night.

All in all, it was great. I'll watch every episode. And its up against Everwood!

To my millions of readers I apologize for my lack of posts, but im busy. Stay tuned, my constant stream of uneducated swill shall return shortly.