Guest commentary by Rob Chamert. He speaks to an important topic.
It's been brought to my attention that I know way too much and have way too many opinions about malt liquor. In fact, besides the gentlemen who are presently standing on Enfield Street (scary place near Keeney Park) drinking malt liquor, I am probably your best source of information. Ratings will be on a 0 - 5 ranking. Let me first state that putting beer in 40 ounce containers, though I am a fan of the practice and think more companies should adopt it (I'm talking to you Miller Lite), does not change the constitution of the liquid being put into the containers. It's still beer and not malt liquor.
St. Ides.
Might as well start at the bottom, and this is it. The stuff is just awful. So awful that they have branched out into fruit flavored malt beverages. I have not tried these, but like Drano I don't need to drink it to know I won't like it. The only redeeming quality is that you can say I'm drinking the Ides of March. This allows you to be historically hip while maintaining your street cred.
Score - 1/2
Steel Reserve.
Would be voted most awful even with its 8.1% alcohol. It actually tastes like steel mixed with some skunk urine for good measure. However, our friend Kate said it was "pretty good" and drank it. We have to give mad props to the sister not under house arrest (you had to be there) and raise the score.
Score - 1
Crazy Horse .
Good looking bottle, bad tasting malt liquor. I can discuss the political incorrectness of naming a malt liquor after an American Indian, especially with the high alcoholism rate among Indians, but I won't.
Score - 1
Midnight Dragon I don't even know if this swill still exists, but it was a mainstay in college mainly because it was $.50 cheaper than other malt liquors. At 5 a night, that money adds up fast.
Score - 2
Mickey'sAlcohol content: 5.7%
The only malt liquor that's cooler in a 16 ounce bottle than a 40. The reason, the wide/big mouth (think Gatorade). What genius. I think the makers of Micky's should be credited with moving malt liquor from its sophisticated slow drinking roots to what it is today. It's the only malt liquor I've seen sold at a bar (The Cool Moose) and allowed you to request its tie-in song, Big Mouth Strikes Again, by the Smiths. Great song. Only problem is that it doesn't taste that great.
Score - 3
King Cobra Made by Budweiser, tastes like Budweiser. Normally, that's not a compliment, but in the malt liquor world it is.
Score - 3
Colt 45 I have three words....Billy Dee Williams. Those were great commercials. Why aren't they on anymore? The taste is pretty good. Added bonus, the Houston Astros used to be called the Colt 45s. I think they were named after the gun, but I would like to think it was the ML.
Score - 3 1/2
Magnum A rich full-bodied malt liquor with little after taste. This became my malt liquor of choice when I lived in Atlanta. Still a favorite.
Score - 4
Haffenreffer Private Stock By whatever nickname, green lightning, green death, Hef, it is the quintessential malt liquor. The brown paper bag seems like a second skin on a bottle of the green gold. Added bonus, first alcohol I ever got drunk on was Hef. The only negative is the little picture puzzle is no longer on the inside of a 40 cap.
Score - 4 1/2
Olde English 800 OE 800, 8-ball, it is the Dom Perignon of malt liquors. It actually tastes good and doesn't have that malt liquor after taste. The benchmark by which all other malt liquors are judged. If there is a better malt liquor, I have yet to find it.
Score - 5 (the ultimate)
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As I was preparing this post, I felt the need to add pictures. A quick google search brought me to the website of the week.
http://www.40ozmaltliquor.com. It’s the shizznat.
It gives full reviews of over 200 different Malt Liquors, links, images, alcohol content, etc. While not as informative and insightful as my friend Rob’s reviews (Who by the way, is gainfully employed in a rather responsible job), their reviews do have a certain sense of style.
For instance, in the review for Magnum, member ImissMy64oz had this to say about it:
Still sucks dick still eats shit still causes headaches only had cause I needed a clean bottle for collection used to pound mags in the day not any more fuck this shit 3/10.Word….word.